As I talk with my clients I realize there’s one thing we all have in common to varying degrees, that is wishing situations or people were different than they actually are. As people explain the difficult situation that’s causing them discomfort and how they wish it was the way they’d prefer it to be, I ask them to look at the white wall we are sitting next to in my office. To help them understand what they’re actually saying, I offer this example. I say “this wall is white and no matter how much I wish it was blue instead, it is white.” Their response is usually “but it’s not blue”. Shortly thereafter a light goes on in their mind, and they see their own dilemma more clearly.

The person or situation they wish was different is not. It is the way it is, or they are the way they are. We can’t change that. It’s when we stop resisting what is true and realize we can’t change the person or situation that our own discomfort surfaces. And that discomfort is because we’re faced with the question “now what will I do?” That’s the scary part for most of us. You see, WE don’t want to be the one to change. We want the person or situation to do the changing and as long as we do, we will stay stuck! If you want to feel better, accept the person or situation as it is and decide what’s best for you given the current circumstances. If you prefer to stay stuck, keep focusing on what you cannot change.

I had a relative that I considered to be difficult to deal with, critical and negative. For decades I was waiting for her to like me. I frequently thought, “…this will get her attention, she’ll like this, or, I’ll bet she’ll say something positive in response to this.” It never happened. I wasted my energy and sacrificed my well-being waiting for her approval, why? Because I didn’t want to change me! I was afraid to do what was necessary to approve of myself! When she died I realized the approval I was looking for from her was never going to come. That’s when I understood, “I’m the one that needs to change. I need to give myself what I’m looking for.” What was I looking for? The same thing everyone wants; love, approval, encouragement, connection, etc. I stopped waiting and went to work on myself. I decided my sense of well-being was no longer going to depend on someone else’s choices which I had no control over! I was going to be the one in charge of my physical and emotional well-being. Just having that thought felt better even before I actually achieved it.

What about you? Is there a person or situation in your life that you keep wishing would be other than it is? It’s okay not to take action and to stay stuck when you aren’t in a place where you feel ready to take the necessary steps. In this case, be gentle with yourself. The best thing you can do is be aware that you’re in this place. That’s also a positive step forward. However, if you are ready to get “unstuck”, here are two questions you can ask yourself;
– Given that this person or situation is the way it is, (and I can’t change that at this moment) what do I want?
– What do I need to do in this case to get what I want and to take care of myself?
For extra credit, subtract any self-judgment.

Continuing to wish the “white walls” in our life were blue will continue to bring us the same uncomfortable feelings. Acknowledging what’s true, that they are white, is one step in the direction of caring for ourselves and feeling better now.

With love , Jackie

I remember the first day I felt amazing. What did I feel like? I felt peaceful, joyful, and I felt grounded. Nothing more was needed or wanted. I was free from anger, fear and the negativity of my past. I felt empowered, more than “good enough” and “perfect” for me. I had no need to compare myself to others. I was finally able to embrace my differences, despite past criticisms from myself and others.

Someone once asked me what joy feels like. This was my answer, “joy feels like I get to, instead of I need to or I have to”. It is a feeling that can bring you to your knees with gratitude. As I moved through my first day imbued with that feeling, I said to myself “this is enough. To experience this for even one day is enough.” What stood out for me was the contrast between decades of living with varying degrees of emotional discomfort and now one day was enough? Yes, it was.

My heartfelt wish is that someday you too experience this “amazing” feeling. What is needed to get from emotional discomfort to feeling joy, or at least feeling better? I offer these ideas which are all contained in the “pages” of my blog.
– Making new choices about anything and everything we don’t feel good about
– Doing away with self-criticism
– Learning from each experience or choice we make by looking at the outcome. Did it leave you with a good feeling or not? If not, try a different choice.
– Refusing to repeat old patterns (choices) that bring us pain
– Setting intentions for what we do want. In other words, creating the outcomes or results in our lives on purpose instead of by default. How do we do this? By taking the tiniest of steps in the direction we would like our lives to go instead of just reacting to whatever comes our way.
– Spending time daily, (just a few minutes) imagining or visualizing how we might feel when we have what we want. This exercise produces good feelings, and when we feel good we make better choices.
-Honoring or respecting your precious self by treating yourself with kindness. How? By doing more of what you love, having people in our lives who uplift us, eating healthy, and taking care of our physical body.
YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!

I believe if it’s possible for anyone to experience this feeling of joy it is possible for everyone. What about you? Do you believe your life can be any different? Can you imagine a life full of joy, kindness and experiences that leave you feeling fabulous? If you can’t, you may want to start with an intention of being able to believe it.
If you can, how about choosing one tiny new step you could take today?

Your “amazing” life is waiting for you. It is created by your choices.
What is your next choice creating?

With love, Jackie

As I was listening to my dance instructor’s words the other night it hit me. Contained in what he was saying about learning the dance step, was the same approach available to us to lighten and brighten our lives. It was a metaphor for guiding ourselves to a wonderful life.

Here’s essentially what he said, “keep dancing because I need to see where the problems are. When I see where they are, we can fix them. I can’t fix them if I don’t know what they are. And when we find one, we will keep giving it our attention and adjusting your steps until you are comfortable, then we’ll move on to the next one.”

How do we use my dance instructor’s message so we get more pleasure in our lives?

1. Pinpoint the problem – Name the thing that’s bringing you an uneasy or bad feeling.

2. Do something different, ANYTHING! – When the uncomfortable situation comes up again, experiment with a new reaction from you. For example, this could be how you choose to react, your thoughts or what you choose to say. This would be a small step in a different direction.

3.   Ask yourself,  are you comfortable with the results of your new choice? – Is it moving you in the direction want to go? Does it make you feel better or worse? Is there anything else you could you do to make the situation even better? Store that idea in your mind for next time and give it a try.

4. Keep experimenting with a new response or choice until you feel comfortable.

5. Next seemingly impossible problem? – Repeat “the dance”

“There are shortcuts to happiness, and “dancing” is one of them.” – Vicki Baum

With love, Jackie

SUGAR

Since sugar is such a big topic these days I thought I’d share my thoughts about it in this blog. Sugar by itself it is neither good nor bad. The positive or negative effects of sugar result from how we choose to consume it. In order to make choices about our consumption, it’s helpful to have some information.

Here’s a little-known fact: every 4 grams of sugar equals 1 teaspoon. (The spoon you use every day is a teaspoon)

– Who knows what 4 grams of sugar looks like, not many of us. But we all know what a teaspoon looks like.

If you look on the food item’s nutrition label you will see under “Carbohydrates” the listing for “Sugar”. As you read the number of grams there, divide them by 4 and you will now know how many teaspoons of sugar are contained in one serving of this item. For example, in a 6 ounce container ( just a little less than one cup) of one popular brand of low-fat yogurt, it states there are 36 grams of sugar which equals 9 teaspoons in 6 ounces. In another brand I picked up there were 12 grams which equals 3 teaspoons. Can you visualize 9 teaspoons of sugar (like the spoon you use every day) in a 6 ounce container of yogurt? Just for fun, take a moment to measure out 9 teaspoons of sugar on a plate. Would you choose to eat 9 spoonfuls ? How does it feel when you visualize it?

Here’s another important thing to know. All sugar is not created equal. There are naturally occurring sugars like fructose, the sugar in fruit, and lactose, the type of sugar in dairy products. Why does this matter? Because naturally occurring sugars like fructose and lactose generally come packaged with fiber, fat or nutrients (vitamins, minerals and antioxidants). Because of this our body processes these more natural sources of sugar more slowly, which has beneficial effects. If you’re interested, you can look under the “Ingredients” on the label and see if there’s any added sugar. It can appear in many forms, here’s just a few of them, sucrose, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, maltose, dextrose, anything that ends in “ose”, brown sugar, cane sugar, beet sugar, honey and many more.

So, while you’re in the privacy of your own home just grab something you eat frequently and take a look at the label. How many grams of sugar does it say are in this item? Divide that number by 4 and you will have your answer for one serving. As you visualize or measure out this many spoonfuls of sugar, what do you think? Does this contribute to your intention for your personal health and fitness? If not you can always chose again, no self-judgement is necessary.

The theme of this blog is “feeling better”. I have experienced how powerful it is to have information that we can actually use to bring us better health if we choose. My intention is to offer things that I have learned that might contribute to a lighter, brighter more healthful life for you, inside and out.

With love, Jackie