So, you’re doing great on some new change you are wanting to implement in your life. You are feeling good about all the new steps you’ve taken. You are happily beginning to build some great, positive momentum. Then unexpectedly, something you didn’t anticipate or don’t like happens. Now what? For many of us this type of experience is the kind that usually derails us from our new chosen path. It has the potential to land us right back into our old patterns or habits that don’t serve us. (If  they did we wouldn’t be trying to change them.)

How did that “something” have the power to knock us off our new course? It happened because we resisted it when it happened instead of accepting it when it happened. Resisting it means spending time thinking about how we wished it hadn’t happened and perhaps why it shouldn’t have and how awful it is that it did. Since we can’t change anything that has already happened, how does this help us move forward? Right, it doesn’t. Wishing things could have been or could be different keeps us stuck in old negative patterns of thinking and doing.

One common examples of this is weight loss. We are beginning to make some new choices that support our desire to change our weight. We are even starting to see the scale start its much anticipated descent. Then we get overly busy with life, we have car problems, someone we love is ill, etc. We then unconsciously choose to go back to our old pattern of comforting ourselves with food. Why? In my opinion there are at least three reasons.

1. Our new patterns haven’t had enough time to become our new default way of doing things. (see last blog titled “Rewiring“)
2. Our “Emotional Needs Come First, Whether We Know it or Not“. See blog by this title, 3 October 2015
3. Instead of focusing on the solution to the new challenge or situation, we focus on the problem itself. Focusing on the problem will never make us feel better or solve the problem. So why do we spend so much time there? Culturally that’s what we were taught to do. That’s what the people around us did and by default, it became part of our operating system too.

What if we’d like to change that? What if we don’t want to resist the people and events in our lives? What if we want to continue down our new path that is beginning to bring us more of want?

If you are as tired of getting derailed as I was, here’s one answer. We can train ourselves to become aware of these feelings, and allow ourselves to feel them when we encounter them. Let’s say that we are on our constructive path as mentioned above and all of a sudden, “our button gets pushed”. The one that signals to us that something undesirable has happened. Bingo, we FEEL it. That’s the pivotal moment. This is our chance to create something new, a new response instead of reacting as we have in the past. This is not second nature to us for sure. However, by training ourselves to “catch it” as it’s happening, we now have the chance to create a new outcome.

Had we responded automatically, as we usually do, we would have created the same old result that didn’t leave us feeling the way we’d like. The point is that there is a huge payoff here. By changing how we think about a challenging situation it gradually loses its power to thwart our momentum. What could be better than that? This only takes a moment and over time, it will take less than that. It’s our thoughts about the event that determine what we will choose. Those thoughts are a choice too. If it’s not you who determines your thoughts, who does?

If you are in the process of making positive changes in your life the best advice I can offer you is to be kind and gentle in your thoughts. If you find yourself derailed, ask yourself how you might approach the situation differently next time, then give that a try. Remember, any kind of change is a process that usually takes time. So why not enjoy the journey? What’s the alternative?

With love, Jackie

The other day I was rearranging my bedroom and I moved my laundry basket. It had been in the same place for one or two decades. Though I was clearly aware that I moved the basket, out of habit I kept going to the spot where the laundry basket had been. Why did I do this? The old pattern of “how to go to the laundry basket” was wired into my brain after doing it for so long and my new connections hadn’t had sufficient time yet to form.

The same wiring takes place regarding our feelings and reactions. We have all developed patterns in how we think, feel and physically respond to ideas, words, people, things and situations. For example, think about what happens in your body, how you feel and what your thoughts are when you smell chocolate chip cookies baking or when you see or hear an angry person shouting at someone. These patterns are wired in our brain and have become automatic.

Because of this, if we’d like to change one of our old patterns, whether it is going to the laundry basket or perhaps to stop worrying about things that might happen in the future, we need to change our thoughts long enough so that we can begin to rewire our thought process and create a new pattern, (one that leaves us feeling better). To see what your old patterns are, watch how you respond to any situation that causes a less than desirable emotion, response or outcome.

“Change doesn’t take place without rewiring of existing connections or creating entirely new connections. This is why we literally “become” what we think about most of the time…If we frequently think depressing thoughts we are building a database for depression and experiencing everything that goes with it.” –Don Carter MSW, LCSW

The same is true of feeling good. It’s the result of focusing on some believable, positive feeling or idea. It could be something that delights us, or leaves us feeling peaceful, hopeful or enthusiastic. This is where the saying “fake it till you make it” came from. The idea is to keep the focus on something that supports us instead of our (old) negative thoughts. Overtime those new, positive, repetitious thoughts will create new connections in our brain. It’s like building a muscle.

It takes conditioning, many repetitions and a certain frequency, to build muscle. It’s not possible to do it a few times and have a strong muscle from then on. In both cases your body is building something new even though you may not be able to see the results yet.

There are several ways to go about changing patterns that aren’t getting you what you want. One way is through affirmations or positive, believable statements. For example, “I will take responsibility for what I can control in a situation and let go of what I cannot” or ” I may not have the fit body yet that I want but, if I keep taking steps in that direction, I will get there.” Another way is to put reminders around your environment. The idea is to use objects that make you think differently, sticky notes, note cards, pictures, change your screen saver, anything that supports what you’re trying to accomplish.

So, if there are any small or large changes you are trying to make, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t take shape in a short period of time, keep going. As you can see, the rewiring process takes time and repetition. The only way you won’t get there is if you stop.

“Your brain is the most modifiable part of your whole body, and you can rewire your brain by how you use it every day.” -Sandra Bond Chapman

With love, Jackie

Do you have a project at work or at home, a habit you’d like to change, a room that needs to be cleaned or organized, something that needs to be written, shopping, household chores, New Year’s resolutions etc. that you have been putting off? Maybe it seems too big or overwhelming and it’s not something you’re really excited about doing. Here’s how I tackle those situations.

I break it down into pieces, either by time or number of tasks. Then I start asking myself “would I be willing to do this much?” until I hit something I want to say “yes” to. Here’s an example. The same process can be applied to anything. Once you have a process in place to deal with things that are “less than appealing”, that you want to get done, you can use it for anything large or small.

There’s a room in my house that I want to make into an office. Every surface in that room is covered with paper that I need to make a decision about. If that would’ve been clear to me or easy I would have done it already. Now, in order to turn this cluttered space into usable, appealing space, I need to change what was going on in there.

My first feeling when I looked in there was “ugh”. As I had put things in there over the months I had told myself I would “deal with it later” well, later was now. I was honest with myself. Thinking about spending a day or an hour doing this was a “no” for me. I asked myself how about 15 minutes, “nope”. I broke it down even more. I asked myself how I would feel about dealing with one to three things every day or every other day. That was an “ok, I can do that.” I told myself that could be as simple as three pieces of paper, shredding old tax forms, or finding a home for a book or magazine that I had intended to read but that was not happening.

After a few weeks of doing this, something interesting shifted. I began to look forward to the unveiling of my space. As I spent just a few minutes every day doing the easiest things I could find, I started to see my desktop take shape. That began to motivate me to see even more of it. Pretty soon about one third of the office was usable and attractive. I started looking forward to my three things a day. That little unveiling of just tiny bits of space began to motivate me. There was a little excitement in the idea of “what’s next?” There were days that, when I had the time, I would do more than three things because I was actually enjoying myself.

The moral of this story is you don’t have to like everything about a project or situation to get started. You can start with what seems easiest or most “doable” to you, something that you feel little or no resistance to. You can start as frequently or infrequently as feels comfortable to you.

The idea is you are starting as opposed to staying in a place of inaction. You never know what moving out of an old mindset, like “I don’t want to think about that”, into a newer one, “maybe I could do one thing”, will bring. It can be like a tiny surprise. You are also cracking open the door of possibilities when you go from “no” to “yes” even with the smallest of things. As usual, don’t take my word for it, give it a try and see for yourself.

With love, Jackie