“Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature….” -Walt Disney

I was raised by a single mom back in the 60’s and 70’s when nannies and daycare were not common. We were living away from family. Observing how my other friends were parented, and remembering my feelings at the time, I felt no one was watching out for me. When I became a parent, I decided I was going to give my children the upbringing I never received. They were going to be loved, supported and protected.

My children are now grown, though my son with autism will always be like a child. Looking back at how I parented my kids, I wanted to share with you one thing I would do differently. I would focus more on preparation than protection.

What better time is there for our children to learn to maneuver through the challenges of life than when they are safely under our care? If I “run interference” for them for 18 years and then they go out into the world, what have I taught them? If I minimize their “rough patches” when they’re young, how will they learn to deal with troublesome situations or people once they’re on their own? The challenges they encounter from the time they’re small, learning to share toys or, as they grow, how to handle the influence of alcohol and drugs, give rise to moments for us to LISTEN and gently guide them. Listening and guiding them with respect and non-judgment, blows open the channels of communication with our kids.

The “funny” thing about this is, that focusing on preparation is actually a protective choice! What better way to protect our children for a lifetime than to allow them to begin to make their own decisions… try their abilities out while still having our support… in essence, equipping and preparing them to increasingly handle the ups and downs of their own life. BTW, this also increases their self esteem.

Of course their preparation or opportunities to learn are far beyond “teachable moments”. The example we set by our own behavior or choices is their most “powerful teacher”, much more powerful than what we say.

So perhaps, the next time your child encounters a difficult situation, instead of jumping in to fix it like I did, why not hear them out and offer guidance as they try to come up with the best solution for themselves. Giving them a safe place to express themselves and get their feelings out can make their next step clearer. Whether we’re a kid or an adult, more clarity always feels better.

With love, Jackie

Do you ever feel stuck when it comes to making “the right” decision? I believe we’ve all had this feeling at some time. When I feel stuck, here’s a process I find to be especially helpful. Though it may not bring immediate clarity, it will likely move you closer.

For an example, let’s use an issue I hear frequently. “I have a coworker, relative, or acquaintance that I find difficult to deal with or be around. What can I do?”

1. State the problem subjectively. Yes that’s right, subjectively, and allow yourself to be mad, hurt, irritated, anxious or whatever uncomfortable feeling this person brings up. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of it, pretending you’re not feeling it, or attempting to keep it at bay, invite it in to have a seat at your kitchen table and “have some tea”. (Don’t worry, this is only temporary.) You see, it’s when we try to avoid this feeling that it has the most power over us. When we are willing to “call it out” it will go. I guess you could say it’s like facing down a bully. A bully gains power from the fear they can create inside of us. The more we fear the bully, the more power they have over us. When they can no longer create fear inside of us, we cannot be bullied. It’s the same with uncomfortable or painful feelings. The more we fear them, the more power they have to control our behavior in ways we don’t want or even realize.

2. Now state the problem objectively. State the problem as though you were viewing this situation as an observer, without judgment. For example, “there’s a frequent/infrequent person in my life and I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around them.”

3. Next allow yourself to consider all the options that you could choose from in this situation without judging them. Here are just a few you might consider:

Option #1- Complain over and over again to other people about this person and how they need to change. This is usually a clear indicator that our head and our heart are in conflict. That means our heart is telling us something has to change and our head is saying “nope, I’m not the one that’s going to change. I’m not the one who needs to do the changing, they do.” This is a safe option but changes nothing and keeps us stuck right where we are.

Option#2– Less likely but possible: move, get a new job, tell this person they need to change, stop spending time with them…

Option #3– A more empowering option- To empower ourselves in any situation, the focus must be on what we can control, which would be ourselves. Asking why this person bothers us so much, or what is it they’re doing that brings up this negative feeling inside of us, is the beginning of getting “unstuck. If possible, put a name to this feeling. Then ask yourself, how would I prefer to feel around this person?

4. Now for the fun part, finally. Here’s the key to the best choice for you. Close your eyes and rehearse each option in your mind to see how it feels. It’s like trying on shoes to find the best fit, except that this is an inside job. It requires tapping into how you feel as you “try on” each choice. One of the choices you’re rehearsing will feel better or will be “a better fit” for you than the others. Please don’t take my word for it, give it a try.

In her book “Finding Your Own North Star” Martha Beck puts it this way: each choice has the potential to feel either safe but imprisoning (like doing nothing might feel), or scary but liberating (considering a change in our own behavior, yikes!). The one that feels slightly scary but liberating is the one that’s right for you.

I can hear you now, “oh great, I have to be scared to be liberated?” Liberation, or a sense of freedom, is frequently just on the other side of our comfort zone which can seem scary, mainly because it’s not known. Having experienced more emotional pain than I care to, I am willing to “pay the price of slightly scary” for emotional freedom. What about you? Remember, small steps or micro steps are all that’s needed to begin to move you forward. Keep breaking your steps down until you hit the one that feels like “I could do that”.

But what about the choices that aren’t so clear-cut? Even if your choices don’t easily or clearly fall into one of these two categories, they will tend toward one side or the other. “Listen” (with your feelings) to that feedback and allow it to “percolate” inside of you. Your answer will come, maybe not at this moment, but soon.

With love, Jackie

Do you know anyone who doesn’t want a simpler life? This week I’m sharing a few ideas that simplify mine.

– I wanted to pay fewer bills, so I put as many as possible on automatic payment using credit cards or automatic withdrawal (debit). By paying with either of these two methods, a payment is never late. Instead of paying multiple bills, I pay one at the same time I pay the credit card.

– There are many times I wanted to quickly find a date for things I bought or did infrequently, for example, when I purchased something like a piece of furniture, large appliance, completed a home improvement/maintenance project (new floor, heating or A/C fixed), or had my last medical appointment. I started a binder divided into sections to record when these purchases, expenses or appointments occurred. I also recorded where the purchase was made, or who did the work, how much I paid, and if I was satisfied or would do something different next time. You could also start a “binder” on your cell phone or computer (under “Notes” on your iPad or iPhone, or Word on a PC). I also included a pocket or paper protector for corresponding invoices or warranties.

– There were frequently papers everywhere when I was working on a new project or task. I didn’t like the added mess and disorganization so I started a file folder that was plainly labeled and put all the papers that pertained to the project in there. This kept everything together in one place (and felt ever so much better 😊).If a file folder wouldn’t contain it, I’d use an attractive basket or some type of container I could put it in until I needed to work on it again.

In my opinion a great idea is one that improves the quality of my life. Doing the simple things mentioned above felt better than what I was doing before. Maybe these ideas will help spark some of your own. Think of something in your life that repeatedly bugs you. Can you think of one small thing you could experiment with that might begin to change this? Keep fine tuning your experiments until one of them feels better.

With love, Jackie

A friend of mine shared this story with me. Because my reaction to this was “wow”, I’m choosing to pass it on. The author is unknown. I didn’t see an official title so I plucked the title above from one of the paragraphs.

“Every Friday afternoon a teacher asks her 11 year old students to take out a piece of paper and write down the names of four children with whom they’d like to sit the following week. The children know that these requests may or may not be honored. She also asks the students to nominate one student whom they believe has been an exceptional classroom citizen that week. All ballots are privately submitted to her.

And every single Friday afternoon, after the students go home, she teacher takes out those slips of paper, places them in front of her and studies them. She looks for patterns.

Who is not getting requested by anyone else?
Who doesn’t even know who to request?
Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?
Who had a million friends last week and none this week?

You see, she is not looking for a new seating chart or “exceptional citizens.” The teacher is looking for lonely children. She’s looking for children who are struggling to connect with other children. She’s identifying the little ones who are falling through the cracks of the class’s social life. She is discovering whose gifts are going unnoticed by their peers. And she’s pinning down- right away- who’s being bullied and who is doing the bullying.

It’s like taking an X-ray of a classroom to see beneath the surface of things and into the hearts of students. It is like mining for gold – the gold being those little ones who need a little help – who need adults to step in and TEACH them how to make friends, how to ask others to play, how to join a group, or how to share their gifts with others. And it’s a bully deterrent because every teacher knows that bullying usually happens outside of their eyeshot – and that often kids being bullied are too intimidated to share. But as she said – the truth comes out on those safe, private, little sheets of paper.

The teacher explained that she has been doing this ever since Columbine, every single Friday afternoon since Columbine. This insightful woman watched Columbine knowing that ALL VIOLENCE BEGINS WITH DISCONNECTION. All outward violence begins as inner loneliness. She watched that tragedy knowing that children who aren’t being noticed will eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.”

The focus of this blog is “feeling better now”. So, after reading this story, how do we get to a place of feeling better now? Though this story is insightful, it doesn’t make us feel better unless we choose to focus on the solution instead of the problem. You will know which one you’ve chosen by how you feel. If you chose to focus on the problem you won’t feel as good as if you chose to focus on the solution. Focusing on the solution always feels better.

Here’s an example of two thoughts that we could choose after reading this article and both are true. Which feels better?

1. Focusing on mass shootings or disenfranchised children at schools
2. Choosing to feel appreciation for the new insight this article brings and for the creativity and wisdom of this teacher

Where do we choose to put our focus? Yes, we have a choice about this. Though the first automatic thoughts that popped into our head may not be very helpful, we can acknowledge them and replace them with something that is more positive.

In life, it’s not a matter of, “will difficult or challenging things come our way?” We know they will. The question is, how can we feel better or uplift ourselves when they do? What choice can we make that will shift us from a place of anxiety/worry, depression or anger to one that feels slightly better? Sometimes all of our choices seem unappealing. In that case, ask yourself which one is the least unappealing?

To address what’s wrong in our society, our family, or our lives, there is only one place to look. It is in changing ourselves, because our responses are the only things we can control. When we become less angry, impatient, resentful, fearful, judgmental/blaming, distant, unforgiving, etc. our lives, and everything our lives touch will improve.

With love, Jackie

What emotional needs do we all have in common? They include love, affection, trust, feeling valued, fulfilled, safe, respected and many more. In our culture people aren’t taught how to get their emotional needs met or even how to recognize them. Because of this, by default, we’re taking action to unconsciously meet our emotional needs in harmful ways with such things as food, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, drugs (legal or illegal), spending excessive time or money shopping, on the computer or TV, and more.

Consciously, or usually unconsciously, we make choices all day every day. If we are choosing unconsciously it’s likely that the way we’re getting our emotional needs met is causing us some type of harm. Most of us don’t know we even have emotional needs or how to address them in a healthy way so our subconscious makes choices to take care of them. Though we may be successful at denying or setting aside our feelings temporarily, we cannot stop our emotional needs from getting met.

This is what addictions and embarrassing choices (that have led to public humiliation) are about. All addictions (to substances, people, things, feelings, etc.) and humiliating choices are about covering up emotional pain. We have a strong need not to be in emotional pain so we find something that distracts us from it, temporarily allowing us not to feel it. But the truth is, though momentarily the pain may be relieved, ultimately we are just compounding it. How do we know if this is what we’re doing? Ask yourself this question “are you receiving an immediate payoff that ultimately results in something you don’t like or want?” In other words, does it make you feel better in the moment but a day, a month or a year later you don’t feel so good about what that choice has created?

Here’s an example of what I mean. We’ll get our emotional needs met by eating food that gives us momentary pleasure (giving us the emotional comfort or a payoff we are seeking) but, in the end, we don’t like what we’re left with (we feel uncomfortable, our health is diminished, or we become increasingly overweight). If we don’t take care of our emotional needs with kind and gentle behaviors toward ourself, we will unconsciously meet our emotional needs with food even if it leads to (our disadvantage) becoming overweight. You may substitute any other choice (for the word “food” in this example) that leaves you feeling crummy or worse.

Emotional needs rule whether we are aware of them or not! That’s why taking care of ourselves and looking at what our choices are creating is the key. When we have healthy relationships, do work we enjoy, trade in our critical thoughts for positive and supportive ones, make time for ourselves, have fun, express our creativity, etc. we don’t usually find it necessary to engage in behaviors that result in something we don’t want. The unconscious compulsion to eat to satisfy our feelings is gone because our emotional need has been satisfied. Trying to ignore or distract ourselves from emotional pain or discomfort becomes unnecessary because there isn’t any (or there’s much less of it) or because we’ve learned how to deal with emotional discomfort in a better way.

So, what’s your choice, not what choice do you make when you think or talk about it, but what choice do you make with your actions? What does your behavior say about your choices? Have you previously been unaware that you’re spending time doing things that are destructive, harming your precious self? Or, do you acknowledge that you have emotional needs, treat yourself gently, in a positive, healthy way that uplifts you and makes you feel good?

You will know what you’re choosing by the way you feel. If you feel good, you’re taking care of yourself and you’re more likely to make choices you’ll enjoy. If you don’t feel good, your self-care is asking for your attention. When you don’t feel good, you’re more likely to make choices that result in outcomes you don’t want. It’s never too late to make a new choice that feels better. I’d like to offer one small idea to get you started. Repeat this phrase anytime you’re not feeling good, “I am worth caring for, and how I feel matters.” You may not believe it now, but with repetition, it may weave its way into your heart 💜and that’s the point.
With love, Jackie