Good morning everyone. Because of Thanksgiving, a day we gather with family and friends, I’m writing today instead of Saturday to offer a new “pre Thanksgiving day warm-up”.

Instead of the main focus being on guests, food and preparation, what about taking a moment to shift the focus to our own well-being? Your response may be “who has time for that?” To which I would say ” Are you worth taking one, ok, maybe two minutes to ask yourself two questions;
-How would you like to feel at the end of Thanksgiving day or your Thanksgiving vacation?
-What’s the smallest thing you can do to begin to create this feeling?

For an example I’ll share some of my answers with you.
My answer to question #1;
I’d like to feel content as opposed to overwhelmed, blessed instead of burdened, comfortably full or satisfied instead of stuffed and uncomfortable. I’d like to feel happy with my choices of words, thoughts, food and beverages and feel like I would choose the same way again.

My answer to question#2;
Focus on how I was doing things instead of what I was doing. This includes kindly asking for help, and deciding ahead of time what I’d like to eat and drink to create a feeling of satisfaction, and avoid feeling overfull. I also want to let go of a preconceived idea of how Thanksgiving “should” be and respond to whatever unfolds as gracefully as I can

The truth is, if you’re having a wonderful Thanksgiving day (that supports your sense of well-being) it will enrich the lives of all of those around you.

May your blessings be too numerous to count.🙏🏻

With love, Jackie

One of the things I do in my work is talk with people who have tried just about every approach out there and still struggle with their weight.

In my experience I have come to know that one of the things excess weight represents is some form of protection. Protecting ourselves by carrying excess weight isn’t a conscious thought or choice on our part. It’s an unconscious way of NOT dealing with issues that may surface when we’re at a healthier weight. We’re indirectly making ourselves feel safe in a way we currently aren’t able to. Here’s a quote that represents this idea, “The body says what words cannot.”

If you’re wondering what we could be protecting ourselves from in this way, here are just some things excess weight can protect us from;

-getting into or out of relationships
-intimacy, perhaps related to our sense of sexual attractiveness
-expectations of ourselves or the expectations of others
– taking 100% responsibility for our choices
-being more active
-being noticed… In the past that may have brought us unwanted or negative attention.
-feeling good about ourselves…I know it may sound crazy, but if we grew up feeling bad or uncomfortable about ourselves or our body, the thought of having a healthy body or feeling good about ourselves can be uncomfortable because it’s unfamiliar.
-someone else’s or our own approval
-being attractive
–change of any kind, relationships (friends, family members, spouse or life partner), jobs, what we do with our time, social commitments etc.
-dealing with an addiction…Yes, when we aren’t in control our food or beverage intake, we have an addiction.
-losing our identity or our way of life as an overweight person… The life we live when we’re overweight is not the same life as when we’re at our desired weight
-dealing with our uncomfortable emotions…for example, eating when we feel stressed or bored, or eating when we’re not hungry
-letting go of the past… Many people have suffered some type of abuse or trauma in the past and have never been shown how to deal with the emotions surrounding it so they can heal and go on to enjoy their lives…..More about this in future blogs. (If you need more information about this now, you’re welcome to contact me.)

Carrying excess weight will do for us what we unconsciously feel we cannot do for ourselves. Unbeknownst to us, it’s our way of getting our needs met without having to take action. Most commonly, we’re afraid to take action because it represents a change we don’t feel ready to make.

It’s also true that consciously you may very much want to lose weight (I sure did). But we won’t be successful at losing or maintaining our desired weight permanently until we no longer need the “shield” of excess weight to keep us “safe”. This is where the concept of self-sabotage comes in.
We live to what we unconsciously believe about ourselves.
Self-sabotage happens when in someway, we’re indirectly or unknowingly working against ourselves.

Is there a way to know what our excess weight is protecting us from? If you’d like to figure that out, the following questions may provide some clues;
-If I lost this weight, what would happen that’s not happening now? How would my life change?
-How would I really feel inside if I was my desired weight?
-What would I have to deal with if I was my desired weight that I don’t need to deal with now?
-Who would I be without this excess weight?
– Would I still be in the same relationships, job or social circle if I was my desired weight?

“Protecting” ourselves in this way is understandable if we’re not ready to deal with the emotions and “things” that may come from being at our desired weight. What is also true though is that excess weight is actually imprisoning us. In many ways it harms our body, mind and most importantly, our precious spirit.

When we decide that we deserve or want a happy, healthy life, we will choose to look at the issues we’re protecting ourselves from with our weight. When that time comes, we may need or want help to do this. That’s taking good care of ourselves. Most importantly, when we begin looking at these issues, we begin opening to learning new ways to treat ourselves with kindness and to feel safe without needing excess weight to do it for us.

BTW, the above story of “protection from” could have been written about any addiction, or detrimental or destructive behavior. We humans don’t do things without a reason consciously or unconsciously. Which way would you prefer to choose?😉

With love, Jackie

I had an exciting personal revelation the other day I wanted to share with you. I realized life is not about what many of us think it is. From our perspective perhaps life encompasses being born, dying, and doing some things in between like growing up, creating relationships, having kids, finding fulfilling work, etc. All of these things are part of our journey, but they are not what the essence of life is about. They are the things and events of our lives.

Life, in my opinion, is actually about turning our problems or challenges into something precious, something wonderful. I thought to myself, how can this be, how can life be so paradoxical? Happiness is the result of standing up to the scariest of our fears and finding we no longer need to be afraid, we are free. Does this not seem like a well hidden secret to you? It does to me. It’s the ultimate transformation, turning something we really don’t want, (pick any negative emotions like fear, anger, anxiety, depression) into something we absolutely want, (happiness, contentment, understanding, appreciation, love) one little step at a time.

Each time we constructively challenge one of our “problems” we make a deposit into our account that contains our sense of well-being and it grows larger. When we’ve done this enough, we begin to experience happiness. You could say it’s like depositing money in a bank account. At first a few deposits might not look like much, but if we keep making deposits, over time, we can create financial freedom. This allows for more of what we want.

Every time we take an open and honest look at the problem before us and decide, from a positive or constructive perspective, what we’re going to do or how we are going to think about it, we grow stronger, gain more emotional freedom, feel less fear, feel more competent, worry less, experience less stress, gain clarity, etc. What we stand to gain by doing this is in direct proportion to the amount of emotional distress a problem triggers in us. The bigger the challenge we’ve moved through (in a way that leaves us feeling good), the larger the deposit into our account of well-being. The opposite is also true. When we deal with problems in a way that leaves us feeling depleted we are subtracting from our sense of well-being.

I have heard in the past and I believe, the purpose of life is about finding our gift, and the meaning in life comes from using our gift in the service of others. One step along the way to figuring out our purpose is contained in the above paragraphs. Each “deposit” we make, no matter how small, makes our purpose more clear.

I wish I could convey to you the excitement I felt when this realization washed over me. It felt like I had just been downloaded with a piece of universal wisdom. It was no longer a concept in my head but a feeling in my heart.

With love, Jackie

My autistic son was having a great day. He was calmly and easily maneuvering through special situations like a doctor’s appointment and a haircut. So we decided to run to the store for one item. Running errands such as this one, had usually gone smoothly in the past.

To be brief, for some unknown reason he had a total meltdown, (kicking, screaming, jumping up and down and more) right after the checkout area. There was almost nothing I, or anyone else could do. His behaviors, stimulated by his internal anxiety, common to people with autism, were dramatic. Our day was unfolding beautifully and then it wasn’t.

When we were finally safe at home, and I had a moment to catch my breath, I noticed 4 things that had a profound effect on me;

1. People were more kind and helpful than I ever thought possible. They were picking up things he was dropping, offering assistance and a quieter place.

2. Hearing myself speak in a calm and reassuring manor was comforting to everyone, especially me.

3. Making a habit of taking great care of myself changed my experience. I came into this challenging situation with a fully charged battery. In the past I unconsciously allowed myself to be in a depleted state and had no energy left to deal with something like this.

4. Dealing with only what was unfolding in that moment, and not bringing the past several years of dealing with an autistic son, or my concerns about his future into that situation made it easier for me.

Life is like hiking. We know there are parts that feel easier and parts that feel more challenging. When we decide to go hiking, (when we decide to live our life) it’s possible to accept it all as part of our journey. The most helpful thing we can do is “be in the best shape possible”, emotionally and physically. In other words, we need to care for ourselves. Then, no matter what section of the hike we find ourselves on, we can maneuver more easily.  Wouldn’t that be more enjoyable?

Life has never been a journey of “smooth sailing only” for anyone. Instead of trying to control the situations and people around us, which isn’t possible anyway, the journey is about learning to deal with what comes. Learning to deal with the people and events in our life in a positive manner, brings a magical feeling of freedom. We begin to understand that everything in our lives benefits us in some way, even if it’s only to show us what we don’t want.

With love, Jackie

“Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature….” -Walt Disney

I was raised by a single mom back in the 60’s and 70’s when nannies and daycare were not common. We were living away from family. Observing how my other friends were parented, and remembering my feelings at the time, I felt no one was watching out for me. When I became a parent, I decided I was going to give my children the upbringing I never received. They were going to be loved, supported and protected.

My children are now grown, though my son with autism will always be like a child. Looking back at how I parented my kids, I wanted to share with you one thing I would do differently. I would focus more on preparation than protection.

What better time is there for our children to learn to maneuver through the challenges of life than when they are safely under our care? If I “run interference” for them for 18 years and then they go out into the world, what have I taught them? If I minimize their “rough patches” when they’re young, how will they learn to deal with troublesome situations or people once they’re on their own? The challenges they encounter from the time they’re small, learning to share toys or, as they grow, how to handle the influence of alcohol and drugs, give rise to moments for us to LISTEN and gently guide them. Listening and guiding them with respect and non-judgment, blows open the channels of communication with our kids.

The “funny” thing about this is, that focusing on preparation is actually a protective choice! What better way to protect our children for a lifetime than to allow them to begin to make their own decisions… try their abilities out while still having our support… in essence, equipping and preparing them to increasingly handle the ups and downs of their own life. BTW, this also increases their self esteem.

Of course their preparation or opportunities to learn are far beyond “teachable moments”. The example we set by our own behavior or choices is their most “powerful teacher”, much more powerful than what we say.

So perhaps, the next time your child encounters a difficult situation, instead of jumping in to fix it like I did, why not hear them out and offer guidance as they try to come up with the best solution for themselves. Giving them a safe place to express themselves and get their feelings out can make their next step clearer. Whether we’re a kid or an adult, more clarity always feels better.

With love, Jackie

Do you ever feel stuck when it comes to making “the right” decision? I believe we’ve all had this feeling at some time. When I feel stuck, here’s a process I find to be especially helpful. Though it may not bring immediate clarity, it will likely move you closer.

For an example, let’s use an issue I hear frequently. “I have a coworker, relative, or acquaintance that I find difficult to deal with or be around. What can I do?”

1. State the problem subjectively. Yes that’s right, subjectively, and allow yourself to be mad, hurt, irritated, anxious or whatever uncomfortable feeling this person brings up. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of it, pretending you’re not feeling it, or attempting to keep it at bay, invite it in to have a seat at your kitchen table and “have some tea”. (Don’t worry, this is only temporary.) You see, it’s when we try to avoid this feeling that it has the most power over us. When we are willing to “call it out” it will go. I guess you could say it’s like facing down a bully. A bully gains power from the fear they can create inside of us. The more we fear the bully, the more power they have over us. When they can no longer create fear inside of us, we cannot be bullied. It’s the same with uncomfortable or painful feelings. The more we fear them, the more power they have to control our behavior in ways we don’t want or even realize.

2. Now state the problem objectively. State the problem as though you were viewing this situation as an observer, without judgment. For example, “there’s a frequent/infrequent person in my life and I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around them.”

3. Next allow yourself to consider all the options that you could choose from in this situation without judging them. Here are just a few you might consider:

Option #1- Complain over and over again to other people about this person and how they need to change. This is usually a clear indicator that our head and our heart are in conflict. That means our heart is telling us something has to change and our head is saying “nope, I’m not the one that’s going to change. I’m not the one who needs to do the changing, they do.” This is a safe option but changes nothing and keeps us stuck right where we are.

Option#2– Less likely but possible: move, get a new job, tell this person they need to change, stop spending time with them…

Option #3– A more empowering option- To empower ourselves in any situation, the focus must be on what we can control, which would be ourselves. Asking why this person bothers us so much, or what is it they’re doing that brings up this negative feeling inside of us, is the beginning of getting “unstuck. If possible, put a name to this feeling. Then ask yourself, how would I prefer to feel around this person?

4. Now for the fun part, finally. Here’s the key to the best choice for you. Close your eyes and rehearse each option in your mind to see how it feels. It’s like trying on shoes to find the best fit, except that this is an inside job. It requires tapping into how you feel as you “try on” each choice. One of the choices you’re rehearsing will feel better or will be “a better fit” for you than the others. Please don’t take my word for it, give it a try.

In her book “Finding Your Own North Star” Martha Beck puts it this way: each choice has the potential to feel either safe but imprisoning (like doing nothing might feel), or scary but liberating (considering a change in our own behavior, yikes!). The one that feels slightly scary but liberating is the one that’s right for you.

I can hear you now, “oh great, I have to be scared to be liberated?” Liberation, or a sense of freedom, is frequently just on the other side of our comfort zone which can seem scary, mainly because it’s not known. Having experienced more emotional pain than I care to, I am willing to “pay the price of slightly scary” for emotional freedom. What about you? Remember, small steps or micro steps are all that’s needed to begin to move you forward. Keep breaking your steps down until you hit the one that feels like “I could do that”.

But what about the choices that aren’t so clear-cut? Even if your choices don’t easily or clearly fall into one of these two categories, they will tend toward one side or the other. “Listen” (with your feelings) to that feedback and allow it to “percolate” inside of you. Your answer will come, maybe not at this moment, but soon.

With love, Jackie

Do you know anyone who doesn’t want a simpler life? This week I’m sharing a few ideas that simplify mine.

– I wanted to pay fewer bills, so I put as many as possible on automatic payment using credit cards or automatic withdrawal (debit). By paying with either of these two methods, a payment is never late. Instead of paying multiple bills, I pay one at the same time I pay the credit card.

– There are many times I wanted to quickly find a date for things I bought or did infrequently, for example, when I purchased something like a piece of furniture, large appliance, completed a home improvement/maintenance project (new floor, heating or A/C fixed), or had my last medical appointment. I started a binder divided into sections to record when these purchases, expenses or appointments occurred. I also recorded where the purchase was made, or who did the work, how much I paid, and if I was satisfied or would do something different next time. You could also start a “binder” on your cell phone or computer (under “Notes” on your iPad or iPhone, or Word on a PC). I also included a pocket or paper protector for corresponding invoices or warranties.

– There were frequently papers everywhere when I was working on a new project or task. I didn’t like the added mess and disorganization so I started a file folder that was plainly labeled and put all the papers that pertained to the project in there. This kept everything together in one place (and felt ever so much better 😊).If a file folder wouldn’t contain it, I’d use an attractive basket or some type of container I could put it in until I needed to work on it again.

In my opinion a great idea is one that improves the quality of my life. Doing the simple things mentioned above felt better than what I was doing before. Maybe these ideas will help spark some of your own. Think of something in your life that repeatedly bugs you. Can you think of one small thing you could experiment with that might begin to change this? Keep fine tuning your experiments until one of them feels better.

With love, Jackie

A friend of mine shared this story with me. Because my reaction to this was “wow”, I’m choosing to pass it on. The author is unknown. I didn’t see an official title so I plucked the title above from one of the paragraphs.

“Every Friday afternoon a teacher asks her 11 year old students to take out a piece of paper and write down the names of four children with whom they’d like to sit the following week. The children know that these requests may or may not be honored. She also asks the students to nominate one student whom they believe has been an exceptional classroom citizen that week. All ballots are privately submitted to her.

And every single Friday afternoon, after the students go home, she teacher takes out those slips of paper, places them in front of her and studies them. She looks for patterns.

Who is not getting requested by anyone else?
Who doesn’t even know who to request?
Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?
Who had a million friends last week and none this week?

You see, she is not looking for a new seating chart or “exceptional citizens.” The teacher is looking for lonely children. She’s looking for children who are struggling to connect with other children. She’s identifying the little ones who are falling through the cracks of the class’s social life. She is discovering whose gifts are going unnoticed by their peers. And she’s pinning down- right away- who’s being bullied and who is doing the bullying.

It’s like taking an X-ray of a classroom to see beneath the surface of things and into the hearts of students. It is like mining for gold – the gold being those little ones who need a little help – who need adults to step in and TEACH them how to make friends, how to ask others to play, how to join a group, or how to share their gifts with others. And it’s a bully deterrent because every teacher knows that bullying usually happens outside of their eyeshot – and that often kids being bullied are too intimidated to share. But as she said – the truth comes out on those safe, private, little sheets of paper.

The teacher explained that she has been doing this ever since Columbine, every single Friday afternoon since Columbine. This insightful woman watched Columbine knowing that ALL VIOLENCE BEGINS WITH DISCONNECTION. All outward violence begins as inner loneliness. She watched that tragedy knowing that children who aren’t being noticed will eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.”

The focus of this blog is “feeling better now”. So, after reading this story, how do we get to a place of feeling better now? Though this story is insightful, it doesn’t make us feel better unless we choose to focus on the solution instead of the problem. You will know which one you’ve chosen by how you feel. If you chose to focus on the problem you won’t feel as good as if you chose to focus on the solution. Focusing on the solution always feels better.

Here’s an example of two thoughts that we could choose after reading this article and both are true. Which feels better?

1. Focusing on mass shootings or disenfranchised children at schools
2. Choosing to feel appreciation for the new insight this article brings and for the creativity and wisdom of this teacher

Where do we choose to put our focus? Yes, we have a choice about this. Though the first automatic thoughts that popped into our head may not be very helpful, we can acknowledge them and replace them with something that is more positive.

In life, it’s not a matter of, “will difficult or challenging things come our way?” We know they will. The question is, how can we feel better or uplift ourselves when they do? What choice can we make that will shift us from a place of anxiety/worry, depression or anger to one that feels slightly better? Sometimes all of our choices seem unappealing. In that case, ask yourself which one is the least unappealing?

To address what’s wrong in our society, our family, or our lives, there is only one place to look. It is in changing ourselves, because our responses are the only things we can control. When we become less angry, impatient, resentful, fearful, judgmental/blaming, distant, unforgiving, etc. our lives, and everything our lives touch will improve.

With love, Jackie

What emotional needs do we all have in common? They include love, affection, trust, feeling valued, fulfilled, safe, respected and many more. In our culture people aren’t taught how to get their emotional needs met or even how to recognize them. Because of this, by default, we’re taking action to unconsciously meet our emotional needs in harmful ways with such things as food, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, drugs (legal or illegal), spending excessive time or money shopping, on the computer or TV, and more.

Consciously, or usually unconsciously, we make choices all day every day. If we are choosing unconsciously it’s likely that the way we’re getting our emotional needs met is causing us some type of harm. Most of us don’t know we even have emotional needs or how to address them in a healthy way so our subconscious makes choices to take care of them. Though we may be successful at denying or setting aside our feelings temporarily, we cannot stop our emotional needs from getting met.

This is what addictions and embarrassing choices (that have led to public humiliation) are about. All addictions (to substances, people, things, feelings, etc.) and humiliating choices are about covering up emotional pain. We have a strong need not to be in emotional pain so we find something that distracts us from it, temporarily allowing us not to feel it. But the truth is, though momentarily the pain may be relieved, ultimately we are just compounding it. How do we know if this is what we’re doing? Ask yourself this question “are you receiving an immediate payoff that ultimately results in something you don’t like or want?” In other words, does it make you feel better in the moment but a day, a month or a year later you don’t feel so good about what that choice has created?

Here’s an example of what I mean. We’ll get our emotional needs met by eating food that gives us momentary pleasure (giving us the emotional comfort or a payoff we are seeking) but, in the end, we don’t like what we’re left with (we feel uncomfortable, our health is diminished, or we become increasingly overweight). If we don’t take care of our emotional needs with kind and gentle behaviors toward ourself, we will unconsciously meet our emotional needs with food even if it leads to (our disadvantage) becoming overweight. You may substitute any other choice (for the word “food” in this example) that leaves you feeling crummy or worse.

Emotional needs rule whether we are aware of them or not! That’s why taking care of ourselves and looking at what our choices are creating is the key. When we have healthy relationships, do work we enjoy, trade in our critical thoughts for positive and supportive ones, make time for ourselves, have fun, express our creativity, etc. we don’t usually find it necessary to engage in behaviors that result in something we don’t want. The unconscious compulsion to eat to satisfy our feelings is gone because our emotional need has been satisfied. Trying to ignore or distract ourselves from emotional pain or discomfort becomes unnecessary because there isn’t any (or there’s much less of it) or because we’ve learned how to deal with emotional discomfort in a better way.

So, what’s your choice, not what choice do you make when you think or talk about it, but what choice do you make with your actions? What does your behavior say about your choices? Have you previously been unaware that you’re spending time doing things that are destructive, harming your precious self? Or, do you acknowledge that you have emotional needs, treat yourself gently, in a positive, healthy way that uplifts you and makes you feel good?

You will know what you’re choosing by the way you feel. If you feel good, you’re taking care of yourself and you’re more likely to make choices you’ll enjoy. If you don’t feel good, your self-care is asking for your attention. When you don’t feel good, you’re more likely to make choices that result in outcomes you don’t want. It’s never too late to make a new choice that feels better. I’d like to offer one small idea to get you started. Repeat this phrase anytime you’re not feeling good, “I am worth caring for, and how I feel matters.” You may not believe it now, but with repetition, it may weave its way into your heart 💜and that’s the point.
With love, Jackie

As I talk with my clients I realize there’s one thing we all have in common to varying degrees, that is wishing situations or people were different than they actually are. As people explain the difficult situation that’s causing them discomfort and how they wish it was the way they’d prefer it to be, I ask them to look at the white wall we are sitting next to in my office. To help them understand what they’re actually saying, I offer this example. I say “this wall is white and no matter how much I wish it was blue instead, it is white.” Their response is usually “but it’s not blue”. Shortly thereafter a light goes on in their mind, and they see their own dilemma more clearly.

The person or situation they wish was different is not. It is the way it is, or they are the way they are. We can’t change that. It’s when we stop resisting what is true and realize we can’t change the person or situation that our own discomfort surfaces. And that discomfort is because we’re faced with the question “now what will I do?” That’s the scary part for most of us. You see, WE don’t want to be the one to change. We want the person or situation to do the changing and as long as we do, we will stay stuck! If you want to feel better, accept the person or situation as it is and decide what’s best for you given the current circumstances. If you prefer to stay stuck, keep focusing on what you cannot change.

I had a relative that I considered to be difficult to deal with, critical and negative. For decades I was waiting for her to like me. I frequently thought, “…this will get her attention, she’ll like this, or, I’ll bet she’ll say something positive in response to this.” It never happened. I wasted my energy and sacrificed my well-being waiting for her approval, why? Because I didn’t want to change me! I was afraid to do what was necessary to approve of myself! When she died I realized the approval I was looking for from her was never going to come. That’s when I understood, “I’m the one that needs to change. I need to give myself what I’m looking for.” What was I looking for? The same thing everyone wants; love, approval, encouragement, connection, etc. I stopped waiting and went to work on myself. I decided my sense of well-being was no longer going to depend on someone else’s choices which I had no control over! I was going to be the one in charge of my physical and emotional well-being. Just having that thought felt better even before I actually achieved it.

What about you? Is there a person or situation in your life that you keep wishing would be other than it is? It’s okay not to take action and to stay stuck when you aren’t in a place where you feel ready to take the necessary steps. In this case, be gentle with yourself. The best thing you can do is be aware that you’re in this place. That’s also a positive step forward. However, if you are ready to get “unstuck”, here are two questions you can ask yourself;
– Given that this person or situation is the way it is, (and I can’t change that at this moment) what do I want?
– What do I need to do in this case to get what I want and to take care of myself?
For extra credit, subtract any self-judgment.

Continuing to wish the “white walls” in our life were blue will continue to bring us the same uncomfortable feelings. Acknowledging what’s true, that they are white, is one step in the direction of caring for ourselves and feeling better now.

With love , Jackie