In dealing with any difficult situation, large or small, I’ve found we essentially have three choices. No matter which one we choose, what if we didn’t do what we usually do, label or judge it as right or wrong, better or worse? What if instead, we chose to evaluate our decision based on how we think we might feel after choosing it? It’s basically the idea of taking a moment to check in with ourself before we choose. For example, we might ask ourselves “Is it getting me closer to what I want? Am I willing to be responsible for the outcome of this choice? Is this the most positive choice I could make regarding this situation?” In my opinion, the most important question is “will it leave me feeling a little better than I was feeling before?”

Not always, but many times we can choose to take a moment, an hour, or a day to mentally “try on” each choice. If you wanted to try this, you could ask yourself each question, as you do “listen” to your feelings to evaluate the possible outcomes. If the answers feel like a “no”, you may want to reconsider that choice before you make it. If the answers feel like a “yes”, you might go ahead and give that choice a try. If it doesn’t turn out as you thought, by not judging or criticizing yourself, it will be easier to choose differently next time. The question is ” are you feeling better as a result of the choices you just made?”

Here are the three choices:

1. Do nothing – not always but many times when we choose to avoid dealing with a stressful situation we are usually guaranteeing it’s return in some form. Remember in grade school when you got a math problem wrong on a test? When you got your test back you were asked to rework the problems you got wrong until you got them right.  Life is like that. If we do nothing, we will repeatedly end up dealing with the same problems for example, we keep losing and regaining weight or we keep arguing about the same things in a relationship. Things will usually continue this way until we make a different choice.

2. Do something – we can choose to take action. This can be one small step in any direction. It doesn’t need to be scary or huge. Taking any action is usually better than taking no action even if it doesn’t immediately solve the problem. Taking any action can help us figure out our next step, either keep going or change directions. The “best” action to take is one with a positive intention behind it. That means we’re choosing it because something about it appeals to us in a good way or creates pleasant feelings for us.

Here’s an example of what I mean. You’ve just been to the doctor. They tell you they want to follow up on one of your blood tests which will require repeat testing.  It’s time for you to make a choice on how you would like to respond to this information. Using choice number one, you can do nothing. You can choose not to go back or not to follow up with their advice.  Using choice number two you can choose to take action by either going in for further testing as they recommend, checking things out on the Internet, going somewhere else and getting a second opinion, etc.

3. Change the way we think about it – Let’s say you’re not satisfied with your current job or living situation. You’re thinking about moving or changing jobs but at this moment, you’re not ready to make a change. In order to feel peaceful about this situation and be kind to yourself, you can choose to think about your current situation in a way that’s helpful, supportive and makes you feel better. We don’t want to lie to ourselves here, we just want to tell ourselves any positive truth about the situation. What I mean is, though it may be true that you don’t like your boss, your workload or the brand of coffee that’s available in the break room, there are things you do like, your coworkers, a consistent income, or your office is within walking or biking distance of your home. All of those things may be true at the same time. Which thought has the potential to leave you feeling better NOW? If you’re not ready to make the move, why focus on things that don’t make you feel good, the things you don’t like, when the things you like also exist and are true. What we focus on in any situation is our choice. Yes, it’s true the negative things will pop into our head, but that doesn’t mean we invite them to take up residence there. We can say “hello and goodbye” to them as we gently escort them out and replace them with a thought that leaves us feeling better.

Which one of these choices leaves you feeling better? That will be the right choice for you.

Being able to look back at the feeling your choice has created for you, and being willing to change your choice if it didn’t leave you with a better feeling, is one of the most powerful tools I’ve learned in helping myself to feel better now. The biggest benefit from doing this is that you don’t have to  continue experiencing the same things that cause you pain. What could be better?

With love, Jackie

What if we were given a computer when we were kids, fully loaded with the current software at that time. As we grew we’d become used to using it. What if we never asked the question “is this software getting me what I want or is there something better now?” If we never ask, the old programs keep comfortably running. Why would anyone want to keep outdated software when there may be something better that would give us more of what we want? You might think it’s laughable, absurd, behind the times, maybe even shocking for someone not to have upgraded their computer? Guess what? That’s exactly what we do with our old thoughts and beliefs. They were downloaded into us when we were young and overtime we got used to them. They became comfortable, and they’re still running, unexamined, in the background of our mind!! Not only are they still running, but they are controlling our current day choices too.

Our current choices are based on our past experience. Since the messages we received in our past are running the show, wouldn’t it be helpful to know what those messages are? Then we could choose to keep those that are helpful and get rid of the ones that don’t feel good. We could feel better today.

Are you thinking that it’s probably easier to do a software upgrade on our computer rather than on ourselves? You maybe right, since removing software from the computer is generally not an emotional experience. Think about how good it would feel good to have all that old, useless software off of our computer. Now think about yourself. How good might it feel to have old, negative, painful thoughts and beliefs out of you, possibly wonderful? Be careful here as you might feel lighter, brighter with a dash of joy.

So, how would we go about taking a look at what old, obsolete software is still running inside of us? Here are a couple of suggestions.

1. When you’re talking with someone, listen to the words you’re using and notice the thoughts that are producing those words. Generally our old beliefs, positive and negative, will surface here, for example, ” I don’t trust myself, the people at work don’t know what they’re doing, I’m really good at ping pong, something can always go wrong, I’m not very good with money, relationships are hard work” etc. Try and catch them. Examine them to see if you still want to keep them. If you don’t, let them go and replace them with something you’d rather believe or think, something that makes you feel better. Every time the old thought surfaces, kick it out and replace it with the new one.

2. On a piece of paper write down all the different areas of your life, for example, relationships, leisure time, finances, work, health etc. What is the current state of each of these categories in your life? That will show you what you currently believe about it. Under each one, write down what belief seems to be governing this area based on the results you are currently observing. Then ask yourself, “Do I like this?, Does it make me feel good?, Does having this belief produce the results I want in this area?” If it doesn’t, toss it out and replace it with something that makes you feel better, and just as I mentioned above, every time the old thought surfaces, replace it with the new one.

We can choose our thoughts….. AND our lives are created from those thoughts. Why continue to live with something that doesn’t produce the life you desire when something better is just a thought away?
With love, Jackie

How about increasing your enjoyment and your awareness at the same time? Sounds good right? Are you up for trying a fun and simple experiment? Can’t remember what you just ate? Experiment with putting your fork, spoon, shovel or food down between bites.

This tiny action slows down and draws your attention to what you’re eating. It also gives you a minute to check in with yourself, become more “aware” of how your food actually tastes, it’s texture, and how full or hungry you still are. I know what I’m suggesting might sound pretty radical, that’s because it is. Eating has become so automatic for most of us that soon after a meal or snack we don’t even know what or how much we’ve eaten. Like many things in life, eating is meant to be a pleasurable experience. Wouldn’t it be great to get more pleasure out of what we’re already doing?  Before you pick up the fork each time, you might ask yourself “am I still hungry or do I want more just because it tastes good?”

When we continue to eat solely for the pleasure that tasting food gives us and we are no longer hungry, we’re attempting to satisfy an emotional need with food. That’s called emotional eating. It’s much more beneficial and kind to ourselves if we can address our emotional needs with choices that bring us fun and enjoyment instead of eating food when we’re not hungry.

What kind of choices am I talking about?  The best ones are things you love to do. It could be something like reading a book, taking a walk, talking with a friend, engaging in a sport or hobby, getting a massage, watching a favorite movie that always makes you feel good, taking a drive to the coast, etc. The more time you spend doing things you love the less important food becomes. You don’t need to take my word for it, in fact, please don’t. Try it out for yourself.

With love, Jackie

P.S. Not having done this for a while, I experimented with it over a fabulous lunch the other day. It felt as though I had never really tasted this wonderful dish before, which I’ve had many times. I also realized that unlike previous occasions, I didn’t need to finish the whole thing. I never would have known.

As many of you know I have a severely autistic son who can exhibit behaviors at times that challenge me and the many other helpful people who care for him. He does this out of great anxiety (he is frightened) not out of wishing to cause harm to himself or anyone else.

Yesterday I received such a phone call. After he had been doing well for a short period of time, another behavior surfaced yesterday creating a dilemma for one of his caregivers. This has been happening, not infrequently, over the past year and a half as we have sought to stabilize him with medication and changing the way we relate to him.

In the past these phone calls, and there have been many, have triggered my worst fears and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. More than anything else in my life they have had the power to take me instantly to my darkest, saddest places.

But not yesterday! Yesterday I decided that was not going to happen anymore. I was done with my automatic pattern of heading to hopelessness and powerlessness regarding my son. I was going to make a new choice about how I chose to think about these situations. I decided that whether or not I chose to feel upset, the outcome of the situation would not change. Whatever was going to happen as a result of his behavior would happen whether or not I decided to feel bad about it. My feeling bad or sad did not change anything, it just made me feel awful.

Yesterday I took my power back. I chose to think differently about it. I decided to focus on these thoughts; everyone in my son’s life that helps care for him is on his side and is concerned for his well-being. We are all a team dedicated to his best interests. As with the many times before dealing with difficult behaviors, we will figure this out too. That felt ever so much better. Then I was able to focus on what, if anything, I could contribute to finding a solution.

I know from past experience, that when I would change my thoughts or response to other situations that had less impact on me, that it will get easier each time I practice my new thoughts. It’s just like lifting weights. You start out with 1 pound, and pretty soon, over time, it gets easier and you are lifting 30 pounds or more easily. The same is true for your thoughts. At first it doesn’t feel natural or come easily, but then over time, as we practice it becomes our new automatic response.

Are there things in your life that automatically have the ability to take you to an uncomfortable or painful place? If so, can you imagine changing the way you think about or respond to that situation?  It is within your control. It is your choice to continue the way you have always responded or choose a new more positive, supportive and helpful response that leaves you feeling better instead of worse.
This can be the tiniest little step, like just changing a thought. As you do this, please remember to be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. You are worth being treated well by yourself and others.  How you feel matters!

With love, Jackie

Who doesn’t enjoy being the beneficiary of an act of kindness, right? Here’s the good news, kindness benefits the giver and the receiver! Any kindness we show to ourselves or another person, any positive thought we think, anything good we do for our environment, benefits not only us but the world we live in too.

Here are just a few examples:

When we make time to take care of ourselves – we feel better! When we feel better our life flows more smoothly, we are happier. We then bring this good feeling into our relationships.

When we smile at someone as we’re shopping – many times they smile back and now we both feel a little better. For a moment, we are connected by a good feeling.  This good feeling influences our next choice and maybe theirs too.

When we garden or plant a flower – we feel good, maybe even delighted and plants are good for our environment.

When we’re in traffic and we let someone go ahead of us – we know how good it feels when someone does that for us, and now traffic continues to flow smoothly. Perhaps this helps someone get to their destination on time.

Can you see the “not so hidden”message in the examples above?
Choosing kindness leaves us feeling good!

Even when we don’t see the direct result of how our act of kindness has effected the “big picture” be assured it has because what we think, say and do matters. It has a ripple effect out into our lives and our world.

I like to think of it this way, with every choice we make we’re either making life better or “not better” for ourselves and others. Who wouldn’t want to make their own life just a little better? Why not experiment? Be aware when you’re choosing kindness and see how it feels. For extra credit, try responding in kindness when you are feeling anything but kind in the moment.

“Be nice to everyone you meet, they are fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
-idkk

With love, Jackie

I had to laugh when I put the word “recipe” in the title. Does a dish that requires no cooking qualify as a recipe? For me, a non-cooking person who likes to eat yummy food that fills me up, it qualifies. For those of you who are not big fans of vegetables, this is a tasty way to get them in, disguised in one of your favorite soups.

Leftover or Refrigerator “Stew”

-One cup of a broth-based soup you like – I chose Progresso’s Chicken and Dumplings. Progresso has a line of soups I like that are less than 100 cal per cup and less than one serving of carbohydrate (~15grams) per serving. You could just as easily use a homemade soup you made or picked up at the grocery store.

– 1 cup or more of a a steamed, cooked or frozen vegetable

– 1 left over chicken breast, hamburger or veggie patty chopped up

– 1 tablespoon of Parmesan cheese – if you don’t like Parmesan you could use
1-2 tablespoons of cheddar, jack or whatever you like

Directions  You can either throw all these ingredients together, except the cheese, in a large bowl and heat them up on the stove or in the microwave, or you can heat each one individually and put them together. I like to heat them altogether as I think the flavors start to blend and it’s easier. After it’s heated to the temperature you desire, sprinkle with cheese.
As always, it is my wish that you’ll take time to bring your attention to what you’re eating and greatly enjoy your food.

With love, Jackie

Last week I wrote about how letting go of the need to judge others increases our own peace of mind. I’d like to offer a story from one of my life experiences as an example.

A very long time ago my family and I were returning from a road trip. We stopped in an unknown town in a small coffee shop to get breakfast. It was dimly lit and we were seated in a booth that shared a wall with another booth. You could not see anyone but it was easy to hear through the latticed divider. As we sat down, and throughout our entire breakfast, I heard the nonstop voice of the man behind me in the next booth. I couldn’t make out what he was saying nor could I figure out why he was talking the entire time we were having breakfast. My judgmental nature was asking the following questions. Was he not allowing his breakfast companion to get a word in? Why did he feel the need to be talking continuously? Was he being rude?

After listening to this for at least an hour, as we got up to go I just had to take a peek to see what the heck was going on. What I saw immediately made me feel ashamed of my judgment of this man. What I saw was an older son, perhaps in his 60s, reading the newspaper to his mother who was obviously blind (special cane and glasses).

Could I have been more wrong or off-base? Did my judgment of this man define him or me? My judgment had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my choice to judge another and negatively at that. I could have attached any meaning to what was going on behind me but I chose to think something negative. What could I have chosen to think instead? I could have wondered what was going on as I had never encountered a situation like that before. I could’ve thought he was telling a story with a captive audience. I could have focused on my time with my family. The meaning I had decided to give this situation had nothing to do with reality. It wasn’t even close to the truth. How often in our lives do we make negative assumptions about others or situations that aren’t true? We make up our own meaning when we don’t know what the truth is.

Where does this negative judgment that we make up about other people come from? Why is it so automatic? It comes from our past experience, how we have been seen and judged by others and now, how we see and judge ourselves.   It didn’t feel good in the past when people judged and criticized us. Now unconsciously, we continue the same criticisms and judgments of ourselves. When we are able to stop defining ourselves by our past painful experiences and stop judging ourselves negatively, we automatically extend the same kindness to others. The more we choose not to judge ourselves the easier and more automatic it becomes.

In case you missed it, there’s a little exercise on last week’s blog that talks about how to let go of judging ourselves or others. You might try experimenting with it and see what happens. What have you got to lose?

When you are tempted to judge another person be aware in your heart, of the negative feeling that results and perhaps think about choosing a kind thought instead. Because the truth is, we are all doing the best we can.

With love, Jackie

One way to have more peace of mind is to stop being judgmental of others.  Being judgmental means having a harsh or critical point of view of someone or something.

Here are just a few reasons why letting go of judgment is helpful.

It can be liberating. Not judging can be extremely liberating when we allow people to be who they are and make the choices that they do. Inside of ourselves we can release others from the need to measure up to our standards. Does anyone want to be judged by someone else’s standards?

We feel better.… It doesn’t feel good inside when we judge others.

We get unstuck…. Being judgmental keeps us stuck in old patterns of thinking that bring us results we don’t like. It brings negativity into our thoughts.

It allows us to see ourselves more clearly… If we’re judging others, we don’t need to take a look at what needs changing about ourselves. This is actually the reason we judge in the first place.

It allows us to be more loving… being judgmental is the opposite of being loving and kind.

In order to be less judgmental, a helpful first step is to stop judging and criticizing ourselves (see blog entry 1 Feb.2015). Once we’ve eliminated our own self judgment (and yes, that’s really possible), it becomes much easier to stop judging others.

If you’d like to increase your peace of mind and give up the need to judge yourself or others, here’s a simple step-by-step process.

1. Clarify the judgmental thought you’re having and don’t criticize yourself for having it. Example: That person is talking very loudly, and that bothers me. What’s wrong with them?

2. Ask yourself “What thought could I choose that would be slightly better, less judgmental?” Example: I’m not sure what’s going on with that person, but they’re very loud. They, or the person they’re talking with, may not hear well. They may be mentally challenged or frightened.

3. Then, anytime you catch yourself having a negative judgmental thought toward yourself, another person or situation, replace it with a different one that brings you more peace or comfort. Wouldn’t it feel better to view others or ourselves with compassion instead of judgment?

Wouldn’t you prefer others “cut you the same slack”? The more you do this, the more automatic it becomes until eventually compassion becomes your first choice. That sounds like a win-win to me!

“When you judge others, you do not define them you define yourself.” – Earl Nightingale

With love, Jackie

“You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love, respect, kindness and compassion.”       -Buddah ( I paraphrased this quote for myself)

Let’s take a look at how we focus our time, energy and effort when we really value something like a new baby, or for some of us, a new pet. We are willing to adjust or even turn our world upside down for them, what time we get up, when they are fed, special food, how much time we spend with them, and much more. So, why don’t we care for ourselves in this way? Because we don’t feel we deserve it, we don’t feel worthy of taking amazing care of ourselves. Most of us never learned how to love and care for ourselves, and we were also taught that it was selfish.

So, what has been the result of not caring for ourselves? We don’t feel good inside, we judge, blame and criticize ourselves. Many of us are overweight, struggle with addictions, are in unhealthy relationships and we have no idea what we would enjoy doing.

What would happen if we took loving care of ourselves? We’d look and feel great, engage in healthy relationships, love what we do for work and we’d take time to do what makes us happy.

So, why not ask yourself “if I were going to take great care of myself, what would be the tiniest thing I could do to begin moving in that direction? What small thought or action would make me feel just a little bit better?” Then take that step… do that thing…and see how it feels inside. You may be surprised by what you discover.

When we love and value ourselves and feel we are worth caring for, our weight, our relationships, our work and what we choose to do with our free time will reflect that.

With love, Jackie

Do you wish your boss, spouse, kids, parents, or co-workers would just stop or start doing certain things so they wouldn’t upset you? If only they would be on time, be more polite, clean up after themselves, be less angry, not disappoint us, or stop micromanaging….. If only they would do that, we would feel better!

If so, we are allowing someone else to determine how we feel. In other words, we are giving our power away, to someone whose actions we can’t control, in order to decide how we feel! If they behave the way we want them to, we feel good, if they don’t, we don’t feel good. We’re leaving it all up to them, not us!

Why would we do that? We complain about other people’s actions or shortcomings to ‘protect’ ourselves from looking at and changing our own behavior. Why? We don’t want to change. We complain about our boss because it’s easier than finding a new job. We complain about our spouse or family member because it’s easier than confronting a problem in our relationship. We yell at our kids because it’s easier than having to follow through with consequences for undesirable behavior. We complain about our coworkers because it’s easier than speaking up for ourselves and setting boundaries at work. What does our choice to blame others get us? It keeps us stuck and protected from having to change ourselves because we want everyone else to do the work of changing.

If we want to take back control of deciding how we feel, the first step is to stop blaming the other person. We are the ones that need to change our choices. We are the only person we can control. The next step might be to ask ourselves the question “what do I want in this situation?” The answer to this needs to be something within our control and not dependent upon anyone else. In other words “what can I change, about myself or my behavior, that would make this situation better for me?”

The good news is that we have the power to make ourselves feel better. The good and bad news is, the only person we can control is ourselves.
If you think about it, it can be liberating!

With love, Jackie