Lately I have been going through some tough times with my autistic son. His behaviors are shifting, making it more difficult for his caregivers and me to deal with him. It wasn’t always this way. We have had many years of stability in the past. This change in his behavior threatens his quality of life.

I stumbled upon an encouraging way of looking at my current situation in a blog that I follow (marcandangel.com). Though the ideas it contains are things that I am very familiar with, hearing it put another way, by another person helped quiet my aching heart the day I had the good fortune to come across this. I share it with you now in case it might be helpful to you in a similar way, now or perhaps in the future.

“Details aside, whatever is going to happen will happen, whether you worry or not. So just do the best you can right now, and find peace in knowing that you are. No further judgments are needed. Sometimes you’ve got to go through the worst of times to get to the best. And sometimes the best of times come sooner than expected.” -Marc and Angel

I am a strong believer in the power of our choices. I’ve learned that I can put my focus wherever I choose. Focusing on the “problem” is what hurts. It awakens past pain and future worries. Instead, focusing on the above thought eases the pain and makes taking the next small step easier. It also leaves me feeling better. If you are in a place where you are not feeling emotionally or physically well, look at where you’ve put your focus and know that something that feels better is just a thought away.

With love, Jackie

So, you’re doing great on some new change you are wanting to implement in your life. You are feeling good about all the new steps you’ve taken. You are happily beginning to build some great, positive momentum. Then unexpectedly, something you didn’t anticipate or don’t like happens. Now what? For many of us this type of experience is the kind that usually derails us from our new chosen path. It has the potential to land us right back into our old patterns or habits that don’t serve us. (If  they did we wouldn’t be trying to change them.)

How did that “something” have the power to knock us off our new course? It happened because we resisted it when it happened instead of accepting it when it happened. Resisting it means spending time thinking about how we wished it hadn’t happened and perhaps why it shouldn’t have and how awful it is that it did. Since we can’t change anything that has already happened, how does this help us move forward? Right, it doesn’t. Wishing things could have been or could be different keeps us stuck in old negative patterns of thinking and doing.

One common examples of this is weight loss. We are beginning to make some new choices that support our desire to change our weight. We are even starting to see the scale start its much anticipated descent. Then we get overly busy with life, we have car problems, someone we love is ill, etc. We then unconsciously choose to go back to our old pattern of comforting ourselves with food. Why? In my opinion there are at least three reasons.

1. Our new patterns haven’t had enough time to become our new default way of doing things. (see last blog titled “Rewiring“)
2. Our “Emotional Needs Come First, Whether We Know it or Not“. See blog by this title, 3 October 2015
3. Instead of focusing on the solution to the new challenge or situation, we focus on the problem itself. Focusing on the problem will never make us feel better or solve the problem. So why do we spend so much time there? Culturally that’s what we were taught to do. That’s what the people around us did and by default, it became part of our operating system too.

What if we’d like to change that? What if we don’t want to resist the people and events in our lives? What if we want to continue down our new path that is beginning to bring us more of want?

If you are as tired of getting derailed as I was, here’s one answer. We can train ourselves to become aware of these feelings, and allow ourselves to feel them when we encounter them. Let’s say that we are on our constructive path as mentioned above and all of a sudden, “our button gets pushed”. The one that signals to us that something undesirable has happened. Bingo, we FEEL it. That’s the pivotal moment. This is our chance to create something new, a new response instead of reacting as we have in the past. This is not second nature to us for sure. However, by training ourselves to “catch it” as it’s happening, we now have the chance to create a new outcome.

Had we responded automatically, as we usually do, we would have created the same old result that didn’t leave us feeling the way we’d like. The point is that there is a huge payoff here. By changing how we think about a challenging situation it gradually loses its power to thwart our momentum. What could be better than that? This only takes a moment and over time, it will take less than that. It’s our thoughts about the event that determine what we will choose. Those thoughts are a choice too. If it’s not you who determines your thoughts, who does?

If you are in the process of making positive changes in your life the best advice I can offer you is to be kind and gentle in your thoughts. If you find yourself derailed, ask yourself how you might approach the situation differently next time, then give that a try. Remember, any kind of change is a process that usually takes time. So why not enjoy the journey? What’s the alternative?

With love, Jackie

The other day I was rearranging my bedroom and I moved my laundry basket. It had been in the same place for one or two decades. Though I was clearly aware that I moved the basket, out of habit I kept going to the spot where the laundry basket had been. Why did I do this? The old pattern of “how to go to the laundry basket” was wired into my brain after doing it for so long and my new connections hadn’t had sufficient time yet to form.

The same wiring takes place regarding our feelings and reactions. We have all developed patterns in how we think, feel and physically respond to ideas, words, people, things and situations. For example, think about what happens in your body, how you feel and what your thoughts are when you smell chocolate chip cookies baking or when you see or hear an angry person shouting at someone. These patterns are wired in our brain and have become automatic.

Because of this, if we’d like to change one of our old patterns, whether it is going to the laundry basket or perhaps to stop worrying about things that might happen in the future, we need to change our thoughts long enough so that we can begin to rewire our thought process and create a new pattern, (one that leaves us feeling better). To see what your old patterns are, watch how you respond to any situation that causes a less than desirable emotion, response or outcome.

“Change doesn’t take place without rewiring of existing connections or creating entirely new connections. This is why we literally “become” what we think about most of the time…If we frequently think depressing thoughts we are building a database for depression and experiencing everything that goes with it.” –Don Carter MSW, LCSW

The same is true of feeling good. It’s the result of focusing on some believable, positive feeling or idea. It could be something that delights us, or leaves us feeling peaceful, hopeful or enthusiastic. This is where the saying “fake it till you make it” came from. The idea is to keep the focus on something that supports us instead of our (old) negative thoughts. Overtime those new, positive, repetitious thoughts will create new connections in our brain. It’s like building a muscle.

It takes conditioning, many repetitions and a certain frequency, to build muscle. It’s not possible to do it a few times and have a strong muscle from then on. In both cases your body is building something new even though you may not be able to see the results yet.

There are several ways to go about changing patterns that aren’t getting you what you want. One way is through affirmations or positive, believable statements. For example, “I will take responsibility for what I can control in a situation and let go of what I cannot” or ” I may not have the fit body yet that I want but, if I keep taking steps in that direction, I will get there.” Another way is to put reminders around your environment. The idea is to use objects that make you think differently, sticky notes, note cards, pictures, change your screen saver, anything that supports what you’re trying to accomplish.

So, if there are any small or large changes you are trying to make, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t take shape in a short period of time, keep going. As you can see, the rewiring process takes time and repetition. The only way you won’t get there is if you stop.

“Your brain is the most modifiable part of your whole body, and you can rewire your brain by how you use it every day.” -Sandra Bond Chapman

With love, Jackie

Do you have a project at work or at home, a habit you’d like to change, a room that needs to be cleaned or organized, something that needs to be written, shopping, household chores, New Year’s resolutions etc. that you have been putting off? Maybe it seems too big or overwhelming and it’s not something you’re really excited about doing. Here’s how I tackle those situations.

I break it down into pieces, either by time or number of tasks. Then I start asking myself “would I be willing to do this much?” until I hit something I want to say “yes” to. Here’s an example. The same process can be applied to anything. Once you have a process in place to deal with things that are “less than appealing”, that you want to get done, you can use it for anything large or small.

There’s a room in my house that I want to make into an office. Every surface in that room is covered with paper that I need to make a decision about. If that would’ve been clear to me or easy I would have done it already. Now, in order to turn this cluttered space into usable, appealing space, I need to change what was going on in there.

My first feeling when I looked in there was “ugh”. As I had put things in there over the months I had told myself I would “deal with it later” well, later was now. I was honest with myself. Thinking about spending a day or an hour doing this was a “no” for me. I asked myself how about 15 minutes, “nope”. I broke it down even more. I asked myself how I would feel about dealing with one to three things every day or every other day. That was an “ok, I can do that.” I told myself that could be as simple as three pieces of paper, shredding old tax forms, or finding a home for a book or magazine that I had intended to read but that was not happening.

After a few weeks of doing this, something interesting shifted. I began to look forward to the unveiling of my space. As I spent just a few minutes every day doing the easiest things I could find, I started to see my desktop take shape. That began to motivate me to see even more of it. Pretty soon about one third of the office was usable and attractive. I started looking forward to my three things a day. That little unveiling of just tiny bits of space began to motivate me. There was a little excitement in the idea of “what’s next?” There were days that, when I had the time, I would do more than three things because I was actually enjoying myself.

The moral of this story is you don’t have to like everything about a project or situation to get started. You can start with what seems easiest or most “doable” to you, something that you feel little or no resistance to. You can start as frequently or infrequently as feels comfortable to you.

The idea is you are starting as opposed to staying in a place of inaction. You never know what moving out of an old mindset, like “I don’t want to think about that”, into a newer one, “maybe I could do one thing”, will bring. It can be like a tiny surprise. You are also cracking open the door of possibilities when you go from “no” to “yes” even with the smallest of things. As usual, don’t take my word for it, give it a try and see for yourself.

With love, Jackie

In the past I would get up in the morning, and like a horse race when the gun goes off, I would begin my daily to do list. The goal was to get as many things done as possible and deal with everything else that came my way successfully. What I realized was, as quickly as things were checked off, more things were added. The to do list was never ending.

I can’t honestly say I don’t have a “to do” list anymore. I am quite the list maker. However, I have incorporated some new choices into my morning and evening routine. I now check in with myself regarding my choices and what those choices are creating in my life.

I begin each day asking myself how I feel. If I feel good or peaceful, I take a moment to appreciate that. If something is bothering me, I take the time to write it out, to clarify what I’m feeling. Then I ask myself two questions;

1. How would I prefer to feel and what is the smallest thing I could do to start moving in that direction today?
2. What do I intend for my day? This isn’t really so much about what I’m going to do. It’s about HOW I’m going to do it. What attitude do I consciously choose to bring to my day? Some days I might want to move through my day in kindness or pay special attention to being patient. Perhaps on a day off I might want to bring a more relaxed or playful attitude. My thought is to take a moment to reflect on what I might create throughout my day with my attitude. Without taking the time to figure out what I’m intending, it’s easier for me to unconsciously slip into worry, judgment, impatience or anger.

At the end of my day I take a moment to see if my day was reflective of my intention. If not, without judgment of myself or anyone else, why not, what happened? What might I do differently next time? I think about what I gave to others and what I received. Kind or unkind on this day, I bless everyone involved and myself.

This practice of checking in with myself evolved overtime, starting with 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening. Overtime, this brought more peace to my life so I decided to allow more time. There is now a richness to my days that I didn’t have before. I find myself increasingly aware of my thoughts, words, feelings and actions. It feels like I’m watching myself as I’m speaking to someone else. I find myself observing, am I being kind regardless of the other person’s choice? Are my thoughts without judgement? Am I stating clearly and in the best way possible what I mean to say?

If the idea of checking in with yourself sounds appealing, why not start experimenting with something that feels good to you? If you’d like, you can start with my process or better yet, choose something that feels more like you. Consider allowing yourself to be flexible as you mold it into something just right for you. On a more practical level, as one of my clients mentioned, we can just ask ourselves what’s working, or feeling good, and what’s not?

“Don’t become too preoccupied with what is happening around you. Pay more attention to what is going on within you.” – Mary Francis Winters

With love, Jackie

Recently a vibrant, healthy person I knew, who was fully engaged in life, was diagnosed with cancer and gone within a couple of months. This caused me to reflect on my own life and what reaction I might have if I had received the same news. Though it’s true we can never really predict our reaction until we are in that situation, I thought I would “take a crack” at thinking about it.

I know death is a part of life and that we don’t get one without the other. During my earlier time as a hospital nurse, I came to see death as an experience we will all have. Just the same, I thought I’d share with you some of the soul-searching questions I’ve been asking myself lately.

Am I ready? Am I ready if it’s my time and what exactly does that mean? What would I need to do, think or say to be ready? What would I be sad about or regret, wish I had done more or less of, if I knew my time here was over?

What if anything, do I need to let go of? Am I holding on to anger or resentment from the past or fears about the future? What could I let go of to improve the quality of my life or relationships now? Are there people or events that I am not accepting as they are?

Am I living the life I want NOW? Am I waiting for some time in the future before I give myself permission to do or not do what makes me happy? If so why, and is there some small step I could take now to move me closer to what I want? Do I have anything left unsaid? Is there any kindness I can offer now?
Is there anything, I can do to help prepare my loved ones?

Though there are many more adventures I would like to take, I’ve chosen to feel at peace with the idea of dying. It is death that gives meaning to our lives. If we knew life would go on forever it would not be valuable. No one is promised tomorrow or a long, happy life into their 80s or 90s. Just because this has been true for many more people now than it was in the past, it doesn’t mean it will be true for us.

The point of this for me, is to reflect on how I can improve the quality of my life NOW, because I don’t know when my time is coming.

My wish for you and me is that we find a way to reframe our relationship with death in a way that brings us one step closer to feeling more comfort and ease inside of ourselves. We can choose the traditional view that generally sees death as a tragedy, or we can choose to think differently about it. We can choose to think about it in a way that makes us feel more peaceful and perhaps allow it to motivate us to live the life we want now. Isn’t it time? When would be a better time? Remember, we get to decide what life we live… and when we live it.

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A person who lives their life fully is prepared to die at any time.”
– Mark Twain

With love, Jackie

Are you familiar with “Choose your own adventure” books? As you are reading the story, you come to a point where you have a choice as to how the story continues. Well, life is like that.

The way this plays out in real life, is that we get to decide what type of reaction we are going to have to a certain situation, thus “choosing our own adventure.” Generally, the two choices are either a reaction from some type of negativity, like fear or anger, or a positive response from kindness or understanding. It may not feel like it, but we get to decide how we respond to a situation. Here is an example of what I mean from something I encountered.

Unfair or Advantageous?

I was recently involved in a situation where I must confess, my first reaction was to consider it unfair for me. This was a negative reaction on my part, common or understandable maybe, but fearful. I was aware I was in a negative place and it was causing me distress (as negativity always does). I wanted to change this and feel better.

I had two choices. They both started with accepting the situation exactly as it was instead of spending time and energy wishing it was different. I could either disconnect myself from the situation and people involved or I could choose to participate and look at what positive aspects the situation offered me. Considering the entire situation, the kindest thing to do for myself was to go with the second choice. I chose the second one because it felt better and I thought it was more advantageous for me than disconnecting. Choosing to look at it from a positive perspective left me feeling better.

Either choice would have been ok, though they would have led to different outcomes. I do understand that sometimes when it comes to making a choice, it is not a choice of which would feel better but rather, which feels “less bad.”

Whichever choice you make, realize that you cannot make a mistake. Either your choice will result in an outcome that you will like or you will not. That is always valuable feedback, useful for the next time this, or a similar situation presents itself. Make it a practice to acknowledge and use this feedback and it can change your life!

With love, Jackie

I was talking to someone the other day. One of the things they said started to percolate in my mind. They mentioned an idea they found to be helpful, “getting rid of things that are no longer useful makes space for new things”. This reminded me of my weight loss journey and perhaps my experience can add insight into your own, whatever your challenge is.

I didn’t know this when I began but, as I started taking steps on  my journey, I realized that my old ways, my old choices were bringing me things I didn’t want, extra weight, discomfort and unhappiness with myself. Though I had no idea where my new choices might take me I knew one thing, I wanted no more of what my old choices were bringing me. My tipping point came when I finally desired change, any change, over the way I was currently experiencing life.

At that point I was willing to risk venturing into the scary unknown versus staying with my old choices.  Unbeknownst to me at that time, by getting rid of my old detrimental ways, I made space for the new. My new choices brought me a much lighter and brighter life, filled with love. I imagined a lot of great things, but what I got was even more wonderful. One of those precious gifts was freedom from emotional pain or, at the very least, knowing how to process it when it came, so I didn’t have to continue to experience it (over and over again like I did in my past). This is my wish for you too, the end of mental/emotional pain and a life filled with more lightness and love.

Would you enjoy your life more if you knew you couldn’t make a wrong step? Each step you take, if you take the time to look at what it created, will bring you a piece of information you can use to improve your life and feel better. The bottom line is, if we desire change and are ready, we will do whatever it takes and if we’re not ready we won’t. Acceptance of wherever we are right now in this process is the key. It is not “better” to be ready for change than it is not to be ready, it’s just where we are.

Are you wondering whether you’re ready to change some of your choices? As you tune in to the feelings your choices are bringing you, you will have your answer. No matter what you choose, the old or the new, please remember to always treat yourself with kindness and gentleness.

May your holidays bring you warmth and contentment.

With love, Jackie

I was speaking with a stranger the other day. I had just observed a wonderful exchange between her and another person I didn’t know. As we began talking, I mentioned that I noticed people in general seem to be more kind to each other. She agreed, then told me about her “rule of 3”.

She said that every day she aims to consciously do three acts of kindness.  She feels that when she focuses on three acts of kindness, she’s focused on what she can give, EVERY DAY! Did the meaning of life just get a little clearer with this idea? Just thinking about delivering an encouraging word, an unexpected kindness or a silent “blessing” feels good, right?

To begin each day wondering what three things, or even one, we might have the opportunity to do for someone else just might brighten our day and perhaps lighten someone’s “load”, (though we may never know). That feels like a win-win. There’s also a bit of fun and mystery in this because for the most part, we won’t know what kindness we might be able to share until we are actually in a situation.

Here are some of the things she told me about:

-A sincere complement or greeting for the checker at the grocery store or her waiter/waitress (everyone appreciates being acknowledged)

-Sending off an unexpected, encouraging email

-Letting someone else have the closer parking spot

-A silent blessing for the person who cut her off in traffic or a homeless person she sees on the street

-When she was shopping, someone with limited mobility was struggling to reach something. She noticed and offered her help

So, if we were to allow ourselves to be influenced by these examples, we might choose to turn our focus to committing startling acts of kindness. Whether these kind choices are aimed at ourselves or others, whether they are private thoughts or outward actions, it doesn’t matter because, as Aesop said, “No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted.” All of them contribute to our personal enrichment as well as the “polishing” of humanity.

How would you like to be the recipient of a startling act of kindness? 🙆

With love, Jackie